Bait and Switch
by binkeybella
Summary: CRACK FIC. Written as a vent for this week's newest lame episode. Involves Tony not minding Ziva's business anymore and the possible consequences there of. Not for Ziva or Tiva fans. Yes, Tony-centric, imagine that.
1. Chapter 1

_**Warning. Crackfic. Short. Unkindness to Ziva, and maybe some to Tim, not sure yet, as I've been told by people that matter that I'm not to write about him anymore. Written in response to this week's episode, to which, when I gave her the cliff notes, Velveteen Habit summed up in one word. "Geezus"**_

They had been down this road once or twice already. Tony was pretty sure it was twice, at least in the 'being left out of the loop' category. Whoops, nope, make that three times. And now he had been just been found doing something strange by his boss, and tried to decide whether to even bother telling the man what he was up to.

"What the hell're you doin', DiNozzo? Got bugs or something?"

"You know Boss, I just might have, and not of the four legged kind, but that's not what I was looking for."

Tony had been searching his clothing for a label that he was now sure had been missing for the last eight years.

"I can't seem to find it, but I know it must be there, you know, maybe like the paper sign that someone tapes to an idiot's back that says 'Kick me.' Huh, bet there must be one of those back there, too, now that I think about it."

"Yeah, I think maybe Cate left that on ya as a parting gift from her. Been working pretty good so far, hasn't it?" he grinned over his coffee cup.

"Sure has, and I think maybe Jen -er, Director Shepard added one when she got here." He craned his neck around to an unreasonable angle trying to see the middle of his back. "The one that says _'Doormat. Please wipe all the mud and dog crap off your boots onto me, I can take it.' _On the back it says_ 'Really. Go ahead, I have my father's designer boot prints on me to prove it.'_

"Oh yeah. _That _one. You'll never find it, might as well stop looking." Gibbs declared haughtily as he sat down at his desk. "I think the writers tatted it on in top-secret invisible ink. Only we can see it, not you."

"Ahhhh. That explains it then." Tony answered cooly and sat down to his own computer to work.

"So what made ya look for it _this _ time, DiNozzo?"

"Oh, well, I dunno, I was just kind of getting these vibes from Ziva and -"

"Rule Damn 12, DiNozzo!"

"Oh, yeah, like I could forget that by now, Boss." Tony snarked. "No, it's nothing like that, no matter what the Tiva fans think, it was more like the 'she's doing something she shouldn't that's going to end up with shit hitting the fan and most all of it landing on Anthony DiNozzo' sort of thing. I was figuring it up in my head and this is like, what, the third time she's shafted me after spending months trying to make me think she wants to be my BFF? Or worse..."

"I'm not getting it, DiNozzo, but then again, I don't get much outside of the Marines and boat building.

What could Ziver be doing that would upset anyone? She's a good girl, and she's learned her lessons about what a team and family are all about, so lay off her."

"Huh. Well. Yeah, now that you mention it, I think maybe I will. Cause you know, she started this game of hers the first thing she got here. Playing all coy and innocent, and the 'I only kill those who truly deserve it' routine. Left me out of that big dinner she put on for 'the team', then tried to make up for it by inviting me to a cozy meal, just the two of us. Should have known then where I stood with all you guys, but ya know, I'm a glass half full kinda nitwit.

"Then when you were in la la land" Tony blithely continued, "after that concussion coma, she called you instead of letting me know she had an assassin trying to do her in. Still, I swallowed my pride and pitched right in when I accidentally found out, and voila, she lived to save another day.

"And who could ever forget the 'I don't know Michael Rivkin and I don't recall sleeping with him' incident? You know, the one where she was doing the horizontal bop with a guy we all knew was a terrorist and didn't try to do anything about it until it was too late even though I tried to help her before she got in too deep and got killed, or worse, arrested for treason and sent to Gitmo. But then, everything came out okay for her on that one too, funny that. All she had to do was come down to your basement and cry big tears and look like Kelly and you fell like an elephant off a cliff. Went a little sideways for me for a while, though, what with her boyfriend trying to murderize me in a drunken rage and then her trying to do the same in Israel but then it was all 'he said, she said', and I don't think anyone really believed me when I mentioned something about her knocking me to the pavement while I was defenseless with a broken arm in a sling and she held a loaded gun to my chest. But I digress. Or _do _I? Did I mention her _father _wanted to end me, too? Probably not the best endorsement for a supposed future son in law.

"And now..now she wants revenge on the man whom she, for all I ever understood, couldn't really abide for the past three years. You know, the one who raised and groomed her to be a homicidal maniac slash sociopath for his own benefit, while totally forgetting that she even existed the rest of the time and then sent her on a suicide mission to Somalia and left her there to be tortured and all the other things crazy guys do to women they're holding captive out in the middle of the desert. But, he was her abba, and even though he betrayed her again by killing someone on American soil and hiding it from her,and she thought she might actually _do her job _as an NCIS agent and turn him in, he gets offed by his own people and now she's going to avenge her abba no matter the cost to herself _or _her team mates that she supposedly considers family. Cause avenging him will bring him back and she can make him into the father she always dreamed of but never had until she met you."

"You say something, DiNozzo?" Gibbs looked up blankly from his computer screen and drank down the dregs of his fifth cup of the day.

"Me? Say something? Why would I be saying anything, Boss? Well, I might have been intimating that  
I was not going to mind Ziva David's business anymore, because even though she feels the need to know who and what I'm doing twenty-four seven, she seems to feel the need to keep everything tip-top-secret, even from you, Papa Smurf, especially when she's doing something she knows she shouldn't that might possibly get herself _and _her team mates in deep doo doo, cause she's Zee-vah David, and this has basically become the 'Ziva David and Company' show. Do you remember when it was just you and me and then Cate, Boss? Our nice little family, no one being nasty to each other and keeping secrets and acting like they're the only ones on the team that matter so 'lets play by my rules', shall we?

"It was really nice seeing Tom Morrow the other day, he was a great director, knew just how far over the line was too far and let us do our jobs to the best of our abilities instead of interfering every other hour because some big wig from the Hill was whispering sweet nothings in their ear on their way to avenging their father or running for governor, or, avenging their father.

"You runnin' your mouth again instead of doing your work again DiNozzo? Keep up the yabba and I'll draw a name out of a hat for your SFA position."

"Hmm. Let me guess the two names...anyways, I've decided to ignore Ziva from now on. If she wants to off the rails on a crazy train and take McGoo with her, I'm not gonna try and stop her, I've tried it before and all I've ever gotten for it was a broken arm and lots of flack for sticking my big nose in where it doesn't belong. After all, what do I know, I'm just the comic relief since season two, and dumb as a red post. No, that's dumb as a post. Dumb as a red brick. Dumb as a bag of rocks. Dumb Jock. Why should I set myself up for a lickin' just to have everyone think that my looking out for an impulsive and hard headed team mate equates to wanting to roll around in the sack with them? Present company excluded, of course, Boss.

"Nope, I think I'll just sit back and relax and have a candy bar and a cup of tea, maybe I'll even fill out my request take a little vacation, and when I get back, we'll be back to a two man team cause you sent McSuckup to Berlin with Zee-ver and they both got whacked by someone in a Kidon unit. Maybe some long-lost brother coming back to avenge Ari's death while he's at it and getting paid to do it. Sad end for the McGoo, but he'll finally learn the lesson about messin' in Ziva David's business and hoping I look like an idiot _yet again _when I find them holed up in some trashy hotel room giving me some lame excuse for not being told about their little 'sort of sanctioned' man hunt. That would be tasty. A little revenge of my own for her always trying to bait me into thinking I'm the man of her life and then turning around and pulling a switch me with some other guy two minutes later. Call _me _dead weight, will she? Personally I think she just didn't want me along so she and her 'mentor' could take up where they left off, if ya know what I mean. Yeah, I'm going to fill that form out right now, as a matter of fact. Let's see, how far away is Maui from Berlin?"


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N While responding to reviews and pms about the original chapter of this, I got jacked up all over again at what everyone was saying about how we've been cheated and robbed over the years, and felt the need to add another chapter, just for the fun of it...not beta'd, any mistakes are mine.**_

It had been an awfully long flight for Tony, and he yawned and stretched as he de-boarded the plane from the first class section and ambled out into the reception area. As per the usual schtick, the grass skirted gals awaited him with their flower leis, and as schtick went, he really didn't mind this particular kind. He bent down to the pretty dark-haired gal and accepted her gift, then gifted her with a brilliant smile and a quiet thank you. He'd slept for a while on the flight, in spite of his cell buzzing insistently, and felt ready to meet the sand and sun with a renewed vigor. He could have simply headed to the Bahamas or Barbados instead of the thealmost 15 hours it had taken him to get to Maui. But he'd Googled the distances and it seemed the middle world between Berlin and D.C. Where he would be too far away from either place to even be tempted to intervene in something that clearly had been shown to him was none of his business.

He'd taken some time to think about what had been happening at his workplace, and with his team during the flight, and the other fourteen hours and fifty six minutes he had spent being waited on hand and foot by a lovely stewardess while he read and relaxed with a stiff drink in hand. When he got to the hotel, a bell boy whisked away his luggage while Tony picked up his key card, and he made his way directly to the ocean front that was calling his name at the back door of the small but elegant resort. He'd changed into more weather-appropriate clothes on their lay- over in LA, and had considered calling Hetty in the local office to meet and chat with her for a while, but the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to be away from the very thought of work, even if it was someone he liked and had worked with only briefly.

Tony _had _made one call though, to a rather unlikely source, and he was directed to a beach front seat while another drink was made for him as he waited for that source to arrive. Sinking into the comfortable fabric beach chair, he lowered his shades back onto his eyes and let out a sigh he thought might be heard aback in D.C This was good. This was...heaven.

Even after getting left behind on this island as a child, Tony bore no ill will to the place itself. How could he, with the surf and trade winds, and the upcoming luaus to gorge and drink and enjoy. And enjoy he would, despite the fact that he had deserted his team in perhaps their darkest hour of need. Abby would be beside herself. McGee would be huffing and muttering and grinding his teeth, Gibbs would be cursing him with every swear word he'd ever learned as a Marine. Ziva would be.. she would be livid. Of all the nerve, for him to just decide to take a _vacation _when such an important 'case' was being 'investigated'!

DiNozzo had merely shrugged and walked away to the tune of her shrill, shrewish berating of him. If she had seen the finger he was holding up to her in his pants pocket she would have flayed him right there on the floor of the bullpen.

They _needed _him, she had screeched. How was it he was _never around _when urgent _ things _needed taking care of? Why could he not help her complete her mission, it had (sort of) been sanctioned by (some of) their bosses, even Gibbs was on board with it! Why didn't he have her six, it was not like she was going off to assassinate the President of the United States or anything terrible like that. They were just going to Berlin for some R & R, and if perhaps someone who looked familiar to her was shot dead while he he ate his dinner, what was the big deal? People died all the time, everywhere, she had nothing to do with most of them.

He thought deeply about the chaos that was probably occurring back the alphabet agencies over Ziva gone rogue once again, all the yelling and swearing and name-calling, and how they could probably use someone with a cool head and less rabid perspective than the ones ruling the bullpen now, someone like him who could see the bigger picture from a different perspective. He took the tall drink of the tray that the waiter had just brought him and tipped the man five bucks just for starters because he felt so warm and fuzzy from the feeling that thought gave him. Totally relaxed now and ingrained into the fabric of his seat, he barely heard the person come up behind him and ask,

"This seat taken, Cowboy?"

"It is now, Tobias. What took ya so long?"

Fornell parked his Fibbie butt down next to Tony and sighed the same type of 'so weary, so glad I'm finally here' sigh.

"This is great. This is..." Fornell was for once lost for words. "I'm gonna owe you till I die and then a lot longer afterwards for this, DiNutso."

"My pleasure, Toby. I've sat on that trust fund for years, nibbling the interest off it for nice clothes and a few treats here and there. Might as well start using it for something worthwhile."

"You ever tell your team about your little nest egg?"

"Nah. They don't believe me when I tell them I have money. They don't believe me when I tell them I _don't _have money. Not telling them squat from now on anyways. It's all a game to them, even Gibbs. Pick my brain and then ignore me the rest of the time."

"Gibbs knew about McGee and Ziva,"

"Of _course _he did, he knows everything. I've seen him talking to Vance and Ziva, just hadn't put two and two together cause we were busy on that case. Everyone knew but me, Toby. Thus, here I am soaking up the rays in Maui, while they go on their little 'eye for an eye' mission. Gibbs certainly sanctioned it, he's gonna stay in Vance's good graces, besides the fact he liked Jackie. Couldn't figure out until now why the show writers killed her off, but it's all making sense. Good excuse for Gibbs to back his Ziver on it, so that she had his permission to go hunt down Ben -hur or Bodner or whoever the hell he is and the writers can shack me up in a hotel room again with her so everyone can spend the next three years speculating as to whether we 'did it' or not. Frankly, I'd rather 'do it' with Delores from Human Resources if I had a choice."

"They never get tired of trying to make something out of nothing with you two, do they? And by the way, who the hell is _running _your team now, I mean is it Gibbs, is it Gibbs and Ziva, is it just Ziva running it NCIS or Ziva running it Mossad style?"

"Does tracking down Ben Hur on government resources sound like she's running it NCIS style? I'd be sitting in a jail cell with you back playing the harmonica for me if I even _thought _of going off grid like that. But then again, I'm not Ziva."

"Yeahhh.." Fornell agreed. "Not sure when NCIS became an assassin for hire kind of agency, thought that was Trent Kort's specialty. But, not my problem at the moment. Or yours. Let them sort it out themselves, they can't do any worse than the show writers phoning it in from poolside. Or maybe a bar by the looks of what's going on now."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Gibbs had me lined up for going to Berlin with Ziva, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him I wasn't going to be available and he had to send McGoo. Serves them _all _right, assuming I'm going to bend over and take it one more time."

Fornell let out a hearty laugh.

"I can just picture McGee trying to come up with a plan not to get offed by some Kidon agents out to end Ziva and him, hope he took his computer with him so he can put in the logarithm to figure out what direction to run away from them. Cause I don't know how law enforcement ever solved a crime until computers hit the scene. She picked the right one of you to help her track him down, just didn't figure on not having you to go help her kill him. Sucks to be her, _and _Tim."

"Well, Timmy is a black and white kinda guy, you give him a logical sounding reason why he should do something for a woman, he's on it. Like telling him she'll show him her new tat. Zee-vah has never had any problem getting him to see things her way, especially when she wants to use it against me. That's why she's pissed at me most of the time, she was so sure she'd have me bedded and de-balled a week after she arrived in the bullpen. The less interested I acted, the more determined she was to seduce me. Sometimes I'd tease her just to get her going, make her think I'd changed my mind, then I change the subject or just walk away and never finish. Drives her nuts. Well, nuttier. I mean, c'mon, she freaking talked Tim into turning down the sound equipment when they were sitting on their lazy smug asses in that car and I was out talking till my tongue fell out trying to find that mad bomber murderer. She thinks I consider that future wife material?

"Yeah, I can see you telling your kids _that _ bedtime story. '_And then there was that funny time Mommy got tired of hearing Daddy's voice and turned it off without caring if one of the people opening the door for him was waiting behind it with a loaded assault weapon and shot him point blank! Isn't that the funniest thing you ever heard? The show writers thought it was hysterical!'_

"Old stuff, gone and forgotten, well, by McGee and Ziva, of course. Doesn't matter, I think it's time to move on, maybe the writers can come up with a spin off for us, 'Tony and Toby Save D.C' , or maybe a sit-com where you're my father in law and I live with you after your daughter kicks me out of the house. Can't be any worse than some of the plots they have going on our show."

"True, that, DiNutso. But I have a feeling we're getting ready to jump the shark if the last few season's story-lines are anything to go by. That means we'll probably be competing with "NCIS: Ziva, Warrior Princes Saves the Universe'. Single-handedly. Well, with only a paper clip and her trusty sidekick Timmy McGee."

"Oh lord, Tobias, enough. Let me just sit here in peace and not have to contemplate what's been happening or what could happen. Maybe Tom Morrow will hire me over at Homeland Security, he's the one who forced Vance to sign my vacation request. Vance was furious, he wanted to make sure I went with Ziva to take a bullet for her – er, um, I mean, help her in whatever way she needed. Now it's on McSycophant's shoulders to carry the day. Power to 'im. By the way, I turned my phone off, they may be calling you to see if you know where I made off to. Tell them whatever you want except that I'm on my way to join their little party in Berlin. McGee will just have to take up the slack in the Tiva department this time. Again I say, power to 'im. Can't even imagine that scenario. Don't even want to try. McGee and Ziva, in bed, and..."

Both men shivered in their chairs in unison at the thought of that scene.

"He might not have to worry about getting deaded by Kidon," Tony ventured. "His friendly neighborhood Mossad agent might chew him up and spit him out before Kidon ever gets near him if he doesn't 'measure up' to her standards. Is it the praying mantis that kills and eats the male after mating with them?" Tony shivered again at the thought. "Don't think it'll get him in the Director's chair going that route, but hey, you never know now that Ziva and Vance are in tight like she and Gibbs were a while back. She may be the next Mrs. Vance for all we know."

"Alright, DiNutso, enough. Now you're sounding like the show writers. Order us another drink, let's get this party started. We need to be plenty high and tight ourselves when we get back to D.C at the start of next season, it'll be the only way we can stand the fallout from what happened while we were gone."

"Aint that the truth, Tobias. Hey, have you ever noticed in the opening credits that _Ziva _comes after me instead of Abby, or even McGee? I mean, what the hell's up with _that, _Abby started out two years before Ziva ever hit the scene, same with McGee, and she gets billing before _them _cause she gets more fan mail for being a super ninja chick cliché action cartoon figure? Yeah, time to change the show title. Let's think of a good one before we leave here..."


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: yet one more chap came from all of your reviews and pms. Not beta'd, sorry for any mistakes.**_

_**A shout out to Alex DN and her friend Trixie67 for Fornell's name for Ziva's new series. Also, thanks a million for all your reviews and pm's regarding this fic.**_

If Gibbs had wanted to throttle DiNozzo before they'd left for Berlin, he well and truly sought to murderize him now. Of all the damned times to take a hike, his loyal Saint Bernard suddenly chose now? And where the hell was Tobias Fornell, he had needed the Fibbie for intel and all he'd gotten from him was his voice mail. The bastard had not once returned Gibbs' frantic calls, and now what was left of Team Gibbs dragged themselves into the bullpen to sort out exactly what the hell had gone so wrong in the last week.

Arriving around lunch time, they weren't surprised that no one was there with a welcoming handshake or hearty clapping like the time they had all trouped in from their Somalia rescue victory. In fact, they had even gotten some glares from Security and other passers by, and well, Gibbs just wasn't used to being on the other end of them. What the hell was _wrong _ with everybody lately, was Venus still in retrograde or whatever the hell crap Abby had spouted to him last week?

He threw his go bag on the floor behind his desk and collapsed into his chair as he watched McGee do the same. The kid was a shambles, barely hanging on after the free-for-all they had just extricated themselves from, and he carried what was left of his beloved laptop clutched to his chest, muttering incomprehensible things that sounded to Gibbs like 'tatts', and 'stupid SFAs' and maybe something about 'going back to MIT to get his PHD. The lead agent couldn't really make it out, and cared even less about finding out what he was actually saying. He had paperwork to do, big, huge stacks of paperwork, a lot of it being what DiNozzo would have done up for him in the wee hours of the night, IF DINOZZO HAD ACTUALLY **BEEN **THERE! The stinkin' cowardly dog.

Gibbs looked over at Ziva's desk in desolation and sighed. It was just like when Cate had died, except not really, 'cause Ziva was still alive, but he liked the drama of it anyways. The little tart had decided to shack up with that equally stinkin' dog Trent Kort, having been in communication with him the entire time Kort been in Tel Aviv. It had been highly rumored that Ziva's former lover C I Ray had been enlisted to 'do away' with the loathsome black ops man, but, save for having Kort's eyeball in a jar in Abby's lab, no physical evidence was ever found to prove he had been 'taken care of '. And really, Ziva couldn't hold a grudge against the man, because she had wanted to do the same thing to Cruz, and just hadn't been able to get her slice and dice hands on him yet.

Yet, the little bih...girl who was like a daughter to Gibbs had said nothing of her plans to the rest of her team, and happily led them on a grand chase through Germany and beyond to finally ensnare her father's killer and stomp the life out of him. In the end, he had seen her approaching, wild eyes and hair askew, and tripped off the curb into an on-coming tour bus, which had been exceedingly gruesome, but had done the job, none the less.

Angry and humiliated that _she _had not been the bus to run him down, Ziva stormed off into the crowd, leaving Gibbs and McGee at a loss as to whether to search her out and comfort her or keep as far away from her as possible for the next few weeks. Ultimately, they really should have tracked her down, as she had made it back to the hotel well before they did, and cleaned them out of their cash and traveler's checks. Gibbs had a credit card with not much left on it, and McGee did not even have that. They had not wanted to leave a paper trail so they had not bothered with taking anything that would leave one.

Great. Not even money for a cab to get back to the airport.

Gibbs had tried getting the consulate to help, but with no NCIS identification, no one would believe who he was, and he had no one to vouch for why he and McGee were actually in Germany in the first place. He got angry about it, (seriously?) and the angrier he got, the less anyone wanted to help him. McGee finally volunteered to try to help, but knew no German whatsoever and could find no one willing or able to speak English with the two ugly Americans.

It turned out that their reputations preceded them, as they had all caused quite the upset in several hotels in several cities each time Ziva was sure that she had spotted Bodnar lurking in the shadows, and they had given chase to him, knocking innocent bystanders down, shooting out lights and priceless artwork, and generally wrecking the place before deciding Bodnar 'had escaped', or, as McGee was starting to suspect, had never actually been there.

Gibbs had called Fornell repeatedly and for some reason had continually gotten the man's voicemail, although a couple of times Gibbs could swear he heard the ocean in the background and voices laughing before the line went dead. He'd finally given up, and he certainly wasn't going to call his craven Senior Field Agent, who after all this, _may _have been smart in high tailing it to Maui with discretion being the better part of valor. Damn it, Gibbs _hated _it when the guy was right, and DiNozzo was spot on more than he wanted to admit. All that whining and bitching about being left out of the loop _yet again, _and Ziva doing something she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing and having it come back on the rest of the team, and sticking his nose in where it didn't belong, and something about a sign saying 'Kick Me' on his back, and yabba yabba yabba!

So what? It wasn't the first time Gibbs hadn't listened to the only person on the team with any sort of moral compass. Well, McGoo had one, but he kept letting himself get led around by his arrow, so that wasn't a whole lot of help, either.

Both of them decided on the transport home, the one they had (sort of) commandeered at (sort of) gunpoint, that they were both done with women, at least until the next red head strolled across the bullpen or Abby promised to show McPussywhipped her latest tattoo. Even if it _was _on her ankle.

And they were definitely done with Ziva, whom Gibbs decided really not only needed her own team, but her own spin-off. He had been so sure she was cured of her need to be in charge, to be the boss, to be the one in control, to...she had assured him that her loyalty was to him now, her surrogate abba, and that the rest of the team was her family, too. Her days of snap-judgments and impetuousness were behind her, her need to draw and taste blood a thing of the past, her determination to berate, scorn and belittle her SFA gone along with her hatred of him for killing her lover, the one before C I Ray, Michael Rivkin in self-defense, although she still argued angrily to herself and with anyone who would listen that DiNozzo _could _have just rolled out of the way and got up and run screaming like a little girl from the apartment instead of shooting the enraged Kidon agent.

Well, she had made her bed now. And who was counting how many beds, anyways? Just because Tony was constantly the butt of ridicule for having a new gal every week, didn't mean that she and Abby needed to be held up to those standards, nor should their crappy judgment of who they picked up be scrutinized. DiNozzo was a male ho, that was all there was to it, and they felt better about themselves when they accused him of being one.

But holy Geezus, did it have to be Trent Kort? Well, birds of a feather, Gibbs sighed again as he thought about the two together, plundering Europe and toppling governments like Bonnie and Clyde on steroids. He couldn't even begin to think very deeply about the consequences of that match made in hell, and speaking of hell, DiNozzo had just waltzed off the elevator, getting high fives and hand shakes from several employees seemingly there just to greet him.

"WTF?" thought Gibbs. McGee and I come back from tracking and targeting a – well, he wasn't really sure what Bodnar was considered by the alphabet agencies. The CIA called him an invaluable informant. The FBI called him...well, the same. He didn't care what the other agencies called him, it had become his and Ziva's private (sort of) sanctioned obsession, and they were both used to getting their way when it came to their 'killing them and letting God sort them out later' point of view. It always served them well, no need to stop now just because they were Federal agents funded by American tax dollars.

DiNozzo flashed his million dollar grin, and it was even flashier with the back drop of a knock-out tan behind it. He looked relaxed and refreshed, and he glad-handed the crowd of well-wishers around him.

Gibbs bristled all the more, and gave him his patented 'straighten up or else' glare, which Tony totally ignored. He wasn't on work time, he could afford to be insolent to his boss.

"DiNozzo! If yer done with the ass-kissin', maybe you can get to work and help us with our reports!"

''Au contraire, Gibbs, I'm not back from vacation yet, I just stopped by to pick up some papers from my desk! How was your flight, you look a little frazzled! McBrown Noser, how's it shakin', you look like your favorite computer got run over by a bus!"

"It did! I set it down after Bodnar got run into and the stupid bus driver backed over it! This is all that's left of it! And then Ziva decided to -"

"McGee, shut it. Like Tony said, he's still on vacation, he doesn't need to hear about work, got it?"

"Uh, yeah, boss, I -"

"So what the hell is everybody shakin' hands and shit with you, DiNozzo, you win the lottery while we were gone?"

"Well, sort of, but actually, they were congratulating me for having the balls and good sense not to follow Ziva to Berlin on her Avenging Angel mission, even though I would have been a _hell _of an asset to you guys. Do you know I also speak a smattering of German, learned it from one of my room mates in boarding school. But anywho, no matter now, all's well that ends well, and hey, where's the Zeevster?"

"She's gomknkkenld." Gibbs mumbled into his coffee cup.

"She's _what, _Boss, I didn't get that."

"She's still in Europe with Trent Kort planning the next Inquisition!" the angry man shouted, loud enough for the entire floor to hear and then answer back with guffaws and snickers.

"Ahhh, more like the Dark Ages, I think, or maybe the Blitzkrieg, but to each his own. Gotta go, Toby's waiting for me outside, he's double parked."

"Tobias is here, where the hell has he been?"

"Around, Jethro." Fornell announced cooly, stepping off the elevator with his own healthy tanned glow. "Gotta admit, it sure would've been fun to be with you guys and watch everything going sideways, but hey, had some time off I needed to use up before I lost it. Still got a few days off, I'll see ya around next week. C'mon, Tonio, let's get going, we're gonna be late for the first pitch, and I don't wanna miss it."

The two new best friends stepped into the elevator and disappeared, chatting and laughing as the doors closed on them and the disbelieving faces of Gibbs and McGee disappeared.

"So, what'd you come up with for a name for Ziva's new show while you were waiting for me, Toby?"

"How about...Naval Criminal Investigative Self-Servers: Committing Treason, Perjury and Federal Crimes Against our Country? NCIS: CTPFCAC?"

"Cit-pif-cack. Mmmm. Maybe too long, but certainly tells the whole story. I've got a shorter one, one that harks back to the good old days...how about, '_Leave It To Ziver'?"_

_**the end?**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Well, this has been quite the experience. Though I wrote the first chapter in an attempt to put my thoughts into some acceptable form, there have been many quite serious comments about how people feel their beloved show has failed them. That makes me sad, but now I know I'm not the only one feeling that way. Many thanks to all who reviewed, hope I didn't miss anyone in the pm's, and to the guests I couldn't pm back to. Hope you enjoy this next chap, fairly short, need to get back to my 'serious' stuff, and finish the latest chap for Refuge.**_

While Gibbs and McGee trudged ever so slowly through the mountain of paperwork that was involved in going rogue from NCIS and into international boundaries (people were just so _touchy _about that kind of stuff, Gibbs groused), Tony and Toby had a grand time at the opening day of baseball, stuffing themselves on the buffet in the VIP box, and then heading from there to the bowling alley for a few games. They flirted with the gal team next to them, and Fornell got one of their phone numbers, but Tony held back, just enjoying his free time with no entanglements of any sort. They got to laughing so hard sometimes about their fellow team mates that sometimes they threw gutter balls, and Tony actually fell on his knees when he was showing off for the girls, and Fornell snorted beer out of his nose from watching it.

After they cleaned the place up and returned their rental equipment, they headed back to Tony's place, and for the first time, Fornell got to see the younger agent's inner sanctum.

"So you're telling the truth that none of your team has ever been here? Even for holidays?"

"Only Gibbs. Never had a reason to invite the others over, and besides, who the hell wants Ziva knowing where you live, you look at her wrong one day and the next day you're picking through the burned out mess of what used to be your townhouse. No thank you, I've seen her in action too many times."

"Can you imagine how pissed they'd all be if they found out we had eyes on them in Europe? That we were in hysterics when that old lady starting hitting Gibbs over the head with her umbrella for bumping into her, and nearly wet our pants laughing when that street prostitute came up to McGoo and fondled him until he screeched like a monkey?"

"Had I been there I could have warned him not to talk to he/she, but he got such a kick out of me getting cozy with that one years ago that I'm pretty sure I would have turned around and walked the other way."

"And let's not forget Ziva almost getting her eyes gouged out by that woman who thought she was staring at her husband. I think she lost a hank of hair on that little misunderstanding." Fornell added with an evil grin.

"Well, I'm sure it's all on tape somewhere if I know my buddy at NASA. Abby isn't the only one who has friends with satellites."

"Hmm, something to keep in mind for future blackmail situations." Fornell offered. "My favorite _still _has to be them all running through that pastry shop and then all getting chased out of there by that angry baker while they were all slipping and sliding on the frosting from those cakes they dumped off that shelf. Idiots. Can't believe Gibbs was dumb enough to get sucked into something so heinous and hinkey."

"He told me he had to go himself seeing as I couldn't make it. They needed McGeek for the tech end of it, so, voila. The Three Stooges Invade Germany."

"I wonder if any of Gibbs' rules went over in Europe. Like, it's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission... NOT!" Fornell yelled, and they both collapsed into hysterical laughter all over again.

"Okay, okay.' Tony gasped, trying to collect himself enough to get up and find some snacks for them.

"What _I _really want to be a fly on the wall for is when Slacks walks into the bullpen expecting Gibbs to know he's coming, but of course he won't, and right away Slacks will get into it with McGoo cause he for _sure _won't know what's coming at 'im!"

"Ahh, it'll be nice to have a break from Sacks, I think sometimes he makes Ziva look like a cakewalk with his anal retentive streak. I think sometimes of trying to match him up with Nickie Jardine, but that just wouldn't be fair to Nickie. God forbid they had kids, what they would turn out like."

"Yeah, you know, I was thinking about kids, like, about Ziva and Trent Kort having them, how do you think they would come out, I mean – I'm thinking, you wouldn't want your kids in any play group or classroom with them. Scissors would be totally out of the question, as would cafeteria knives. No video games or pretend sword fights whatsoever."

"I'm thinking they would all be born with a full set of sharp teeth and maybe even an eye patch."

"When the doctor spanks them after their born they pull out a Sig Sauer and drop him where he stands."

"Instead of soccer and ballet, they go to assassin school. Big presents for the first kid who shoots the paper head right between the eyes, sort of like First Communion, only, 'First Assassination'. Party in the back yard, only nobody comes cause, well, they don't wanna die at the hands of a seven year old. Reminds me quite a lot of the Addam's Family, actually."

"Okay, enough, DiNutso, we've got an op to plan. Next Monday we start 'Operation Switch and Bait', duly sanctioned by our buddy Tom Morrow and intended to inflict as much pain and misery as possible. Let's get to work here."


End file.
